Don't Panic
by Moonfiregoldeyes
Summary: title is pretty self-explainatory. Most of them are Roy/Ed shorts. Maybe one or two will be yaoi fluff, but nothing graphic. Most of them are just Roy and Ed being idiots.
1. Chapter 1

Roy Mustang swore to himself that he would never drink again.

Though this was a weekly promise, and it was broken daily, he finally had the motivation, and horrific scarring to hold to that promise.

The morning had started out on a sour note, appeared to have picked back up, and plummeted into the downward abyss all within a few sparse minutes. Why, you ask? Well, let's start with the headache and move forward.

His head was angry with him, his brain in accordance as it beat its way out of its holdings through his ears, eyes, and forehead. The soft light from the window glared harshly at his corneas through his eyelids, screaming defiance as he wormed his way deeper into the soft blankets and hair to avoid it. The soft warmth that he cradled to his chest was offset with slight temperature difference on his bare chest and calf.

Warmth, he had bedded someone? Cracking an eye, even though it detested him in the same moment, he grinned at the long smooth blonde hair that curled around the shoulders and back of his bedmate. All he could see was the lower back and the top of her right shoulder, but the bone structure was one of a petite young woman.

Leering at his new friend, he decided a morning goodbye was in order. Though he only remembered bits and pieces from the night before, something about stairs and another, more evil blonde, he figured that with all the drinking going on he might have other houseguests that could awaken at any moment and he really didn't want a weekend wakeup call from Hawkeye.

Tucking the blonde closer, he wrapped one arm around her waist and went upward in an attempt for a quick grope. What he found, or didn't find, made him blanche.

Edward Elric at this point swore that the next time he saw the bastard general, heads would roll. If not for the elder's insistence and taunts, he would have only consumed one or two of the evil drinks and would not be in this strange room contemplating his situation.

Beer tasted vile, wine sour, and whiskey and scotch like fire. The only thing he found that he could stand to swallow was vodka and that was when it was hidden in other, sweeter drinks.

His body, half missing with automail in his arm and leg, didn't take well to alcohol consumption. Keeping up with the rest of the pack, at its head a man that could out drink his name sake and still be willing for another round, proved for a foggy memory and throbbing headache. His stomach didn't want to stay in place either, pressing at his throat but for the moment, as long as he didn't move, lying in wait for its chance to strike. The taste of sour liquor and stale bread lingered in his mouth, and he remembered vaguely the older alchemist pushing a loaf of it at him. Something about a hangover. It soon turned into an eating contest.

He had won, if he remembered correctly.

Now though, he was trying to place exactly where he was. There was someone here with him, and he hoped to whatever god hated him that it was either Al or some girl that had followed him to bed.

He felt the body at his back stir, nuzzling into the back of his neck in an effort to block out the evil light. _Please be a girl_. He didn't want his brother that close. Staying still, he waited for the person to either fall asleep or say something. Instead of either, the body pulled him closer and a—_mother of god that's a guy's arm!!—_hand went around his waist. Trying very hard not to freak, as that would have sent his stomach into a full revolt, he stiffened as the hand moved upward, making a cupping motion as if searching for mounds of flesh that weren't there.

Several things enraged the man. One: he was in a bed with someone that was not a girl, and he didn't have a clue why. Two: his head was killing him, and there was no General in sight to relieve this anger on. Three: Someone had just tried to grope his nonexistent breasts.

Someone had to die.

Grapping the hand, which had stiffened and started to tremble upon grasping air instead of flesh, with his automail hand, he twisted the appendage into a very painful shape.

_"YOW!_" The man screeched, setting off a ringing in his ears, but he didn't let go. Another hand pressed into the skin between his shoulder blades in an attempt to shove him away and release crushed hand, but automail had more strength and could be locked into place when needed. "Let go! I need that!"

Time stopped, well maybe not stopped but it sure as hell felt like it for one small alchemist. _No, please not him. Anyone but him. The bastard would never let me live it down if it was him…_ "Mustang?"

"YES! Now let go!"

Roy was not having the best morning after. He'd nearly had his hand ripped off right after nearly groping his subordinate _directly _after spending the night in the same bed cuddled with the damned brat. Hell, if his subordinate had the right parts he would have groped him!

Managing to free himself, he scrambled to the end of the bed, misread the distance, and hit the floor with a loud '_thud'._ Better the additional bumps and bruises then spending another second on the bed with the homicidal shrimp.

"Mustang? Er—what?" A shuffling came from the top of the bed and a few seconds later gold eyes looked down at him. "Are you ok?" The blonde head cocked to the side and the unleashed braid that had looked so cute in bed now looked a little too girlish on the younger male. The anger had leached from his face, but was still evident in his mouth and eyes.

"Yeah, my heart's still beating anyway." Rather fast and loud and skipping over itself to go somewhere without him, but still beating. Taking a deep breath to steady himself, Roy looked up. "Fullmetal, why are you in my bed?" Yes, that was a good question. That was _the_ question at the moment.

The blonde turned a bright red, opened his mouth, and then turned green. Alarmed, and a bit fearful, Roy scrambled backwards, holding one hand up to point to the bathroom adjacent to his room. Clamping a hand over his mouth, Fullmetal made a break for the smaller room, slamming the door behind him.

Confused, he got up and got dressed. He was very pleased to find that while Fullmetal's clothes were in a tangled pile with his, both of them were still wearing boxers. Therefore nothing could have happened.

Yes, that was the story and he was going to stick to it until he figured out what the hell had happened last night.

Raising an eyebrow at the tangled mess of wet, muddy clothing, he kicked them into a basket and tossed on some sweats, throwing a smaller pair onto his bed. Fullmetal could were those.

Taking the clothes to the washroom downstairs, he back tracked as he passed the living area. It was a disaster zone. Bodies, empty cups, and plates lay in several heaps and the only point of order was his favorite seating chair, now accommodating a blonde lieutenant cradling a pistol. Most of his staff was lying haphazardly in lumps of flesh, and one dog lay atop a snoring chest asleep. Smirking as best he could through his hangover, he decided that as soon as he found his camera he could have Breda in a very difficult spot.

"Never going to drink again." Edward moaned, pulling his head out of the toilet to press the plunger down. Staggering to his feet, he washed his mouth and face off, debated about taking a shower and decided against it. He didn't have any clothes and he didn't want to give the bastard any more ammo against him.

Putting one foot in front of the other, he made it out to the room to find his clothes. At least his boxers were still attached to his ass, so nothing could have happened. He wasn't in any state of mind to put clothes _back_ on after their removal last night so he figured if the pervert had tried something, he hoped it wasn't anything too mentally scarring.

His red and black ensemble lay nowhere in sight, but a pair of faded black sweats two sizes too big lay on the bed for his use, he hoped. Well, no one here to ask and the General could kiss his ass if he didn't like it.

Transmuting the extra material into scraps of cloth that he threw onto the bed in a silent promise to at least think on putting them back to rights, Edward had to stumble back to the bathroom again as his head did a full 360 along with the bright blue flash of light. Where as the tingling sensation of alchemy had always been welcomed before, this time it had overwhelmed the fragile control he had gained over his body.

What the fuck had happened last night? Why did his ass hurt like he had—_no! There was no way in hell that would he _ever_ let the bastard do _that! He wouldn't let _anyone_ do that to him! He was as straight as a board!

Mustang would know. Even if it took a few blows to the head Mustang would figure this out and it would be all his fault! Hah!

Trudging down the stairs, Edward wondered past the study/library and sitting room that contained the rest of the party goers, he headed to the only sound in the house. Someone was knocking around in the kitchen, but even the possibility of food made his stomach go screaming in terror. He did feel marginally better after throwing up twice, but his inner ear still went in circles as he walked.

"General Bastard, can't you keep it down?" He grumbled, falling into a chair at the table to watch the flame alchemist add several gross ingredients into a blender. "What the fuck are you making?"

"Hangover cure." He stopped what he was doing to dig into his sweat pockets, pulling out a small silver pill case to throw at him. "Take those; they'll help with the headache." Grimacing, he put the top of the blender down, a quick 'sorry' thrown into the air, and hit the on button.

The sound of ice meeting metal in a horrid thunderclap of noise sent both males to covering their ears. Shooting the bastard a glare, Edward grabbed a glass from the cupboard to fill with water. The pills went down after doing battle with his gag reflex and he journeyed back to his chair to watch the brunette fill to cups with the red smoothie.

"Its tastes horrible, but it'll make you feel better." Slumping into his own chair, Mustang took his own glass to throw back a long swig.

The first sip coated his throat and mouth, and he quickly followed Mustang's example to swell his back without taking time to taste it. Oddly enough, within minutes he could feel his headache and stomach dim away into background noise.

"What happened last night?" Fullmetal had held his tongue long enough for his head to stop trying to commit suicide, for which Roy was very grateful. He had known that the brat wouldn't stay quiet forever, but he had hoped.

"Not a clue." He replied, and though the thought of violence did cross the shrimp's face, the nice things that he had done for the brat turned the idea away. That was what he was hoping for, butter the damned blonde up and he might not try to kill him; yet.

Frowning, Edward dropped the empty glass back onto the table, which had contained the nastiest and most efficient cure known to mankind, and gulped down his water to clear the taste from his mouth. "Do you think the others know?"

Nodding, Roy dragged at his mind. He remembered bits and pieces, mostly a jumbled mess of laughing manic blondes and alchemic flashes, but could see Hawkeye and Havoc hovering around the edges.

"Do you want to flash burn them now or at the office?"

"Later, my house has enough damage thank you."


	2. Valentine's Day part 1

Valentine's Day. In Edward's opinion it was the worst day of the year. Flowers, candy, and cards thrown in all directions. All but his anyway.

Winry had sent both of them one, Al's had been bigger. His card had said 'be mine'. Ed's had read 'Happy Valentine's Day'. It didn't take a child prodigy to figure out who was going to marry Winry.

He didn't mind really. It was just everyone had someone and he didn't have anyone. If he was interested he might be able to beg a date off Mustang, he had a horde of them at all times, but he just wasn't interested in _girls._

Figured. One more mark against him in the weird department. Havoc and Breda both had explained that to him when he was 15 and on the cusp of manhood. No one but Al knew that he was—well what he was. He didn't like the label. He just didn't like girls. Girls were too flighty, moody, and at times stupid. He said what he meant, there were no hidden meanings.

Still, it figured that he had to report into the bastard's office on a day like this. The years that he had been in the office on Valentine's it had looked like a small store, having a variety of flowers, candy, chocolate (this was a different category then candy), and cards that other officers came in to relieve the General of. Forget the day? Just come on in and take your pick. He didn't give out phone numbers out though.

He grabbed one of the cupcakes that Hawkeye had brought in, flicked the heart shaped hunk of plastic into the garbage can, and went to face his doom. Sure enough, Mustang had his office set up with the mountains of gifts. But Mustang wasn't in sight. Shifting through piles, he didn't find a sleeping man anywhere. Huh, where the hell did he go?

"Stupid bastard! I don't want to be here all day! Where the fuck did you go!" He kicked angrily at the desk and cursed again when he used his flesh foot to do so.

"Chief? He's out there." Havoc pointed to Mustang's open window, dumping another box of chocolates onto the desk that Edward had just kicked. "He's not in a very good mood though."

The sound of snapping and the flash of fire that came from the open terrace confirmed Havoc's words. Jean Havoc gave a moan and lamented the cards and numbers that had just went up in smoke.

"Where's Hawkeye at? Shouldn't she be putting him to work?"

"She went down to stop the messenger's from turning up any more gifts." Havoc pointed lazily at the desk, which held more bouquets and heart shaped boxes then it did the normal paperwork. Even his chair held up its share.

"Maybe I should come back later then…"

"Fullmetal! Get out here!" Too late, Mustang had noticed him. "Your report better be readable!"

"Good luck chief." Havoc slapped him on the back, pushing a box into his arms. "Peace offering." He called over his shoulder before hightailing it out of the office with the door slamming.

Fumbling with the box and his report, Edward worked his way to the window, snarling under his breath about bastard Generals and his height. "Here!" He tossed the box into one of the metal chairs beside Mustang and dropped into another one after kicking an empty box from it. Knowing that Mustang would probably want him around for questions, smarky remarks and any thing that popped into his head, he handed over the report and closed his eyes.

Grunting, Roy took it. Flipping it open, he held on hand onto the bottom of the report so he could read it. Al's writing filled the page; apparently Edward had gotten him to rewrite the report after he had written it up. Shaking his head, he wondered how someone who could draw circles so well, among other things when inspiration hit him, but couldn't write worth shit.

"No damage this time?" He mused, the earlier anger leeching away as he took in the other's company. The day hadn't been kind to the short man either, as stress and worry lines marred his handsome face.

"Nah, wasn't in the mood to get a lecture." Edward replied. "I put things to rights before I left Reys." He stretched out in the metal chair, laying his feet out in front of him before he laced his fingers behind his head. Closing his eyes, he, for all appearances, went to sleep.

Roy went on with reading, sneaking a glance from time to time to the small blonde. He had grown up, at the age of 21 he had filled out in his shoulders and chest, and his long gold hair had grown down to his waist. His boyish face had sharpened to leave the strong jaw line and nose. He no longer looked like a feminine boy but an elegant male that knew exactly what he wanted from the world.

Grunting, he took another hand full of cards and threw them into the air, waiting until they had spread apart and fluttered a bit before snapping his fingers.

"Why are you doing that?"

Flicking an eye in his direction, Roy shrugged even though Edward couldn't see it. He couldn't really say that they weren't from the one person he wanted them to be from and most of them were boarding on hysterical stalking. Several proclaimed years of love, one a death threat. "Makes me feel better." He finally said, going back to reading his report.

Several moments of silence, which is odd for the two of them, followed after that. Mostly they fought and screamed at each other, but this silence was almost…comradely. They were sharing something with the other they weren't ready to admit to themselves.

"What's this mean?" Roy asked, turning the paper around so that Edward could read it. Cracking an eye, he held it to his face before turning pink. The note that he had written that blasted date on had snuck into his report folder and Al had written it onto the bottom of the last page. Luckily it was in pencil and he had placed a question mark after it. '_Black Tone, 7 o'clock. Feb. 14'_

"Ahh—do you need to know?"

"Fullmetal." The warning note in his voice did not leave room for arguments. "Does this have to do with the case?"

"No, not at all." Clapping his hands, he erased the note with one finger. A small amount of fine dust fell from the paper, but nothing remained.

"Then why is it in the report?" Roy glared at him, waving the offending paper in front of his nose.

"Al must have done it!" Edward screeched back indignantly, then pointed at the paper. "I fixed it bastard!"

"What exactly was it then?" He thought about the note, scowled. Quickly he rearranged his face to resemble the smirk that Edward expected. Mustn't show his weakness. "A date is it? Who's the lucky girl?" The mechanic perhaps?

"_No!_" Edward yelped, turning bright red. He went right through embarrassed and into Elric temper tantrum. "I owe someone a favor and they're collecting is all."

Now it was his turn to blush. Surely he was referring to sex?! "Ed?"

"Pervert, that's not it." He rolled his shoulders and stood, slapping the report shut. "We done?"

"No, what is it then?"

"Show up and figure it out if you like." Ed turned, stalking from the room.

"I just might."


	3. Havoc's Demise

"Edward, Roy, please, for the sake of my baby Elicia, stop fighting!" Both alchemists, who had been glaring at each other over the top of 'baby' Elicia, turned to look at Maes.

"It's not my fault the bas—_jerk_" He swiftly changed his direction, catching three very scary glares from the assembled. "started it!"

"Look here shrimp!" Roy growled back, crossing his arms across his chest to smirk angrily in his subordinate's face. "You started it with the whole water fiasco. Don't blame it on me when you can't handle it."

"ME! I only did that in self defense! It wasn't my fault that I was two hours late! I had to threaten the stupid guards to let me in the da—darned building!"

"Edward said a bad word daddy!" Elicia chimed in, waving her bread stick around like a baton. "He has to give me a quarter."

"I would gladly if I had my freaking wallet! And my watch back!"

"Give me my gloves back Fullmetal, and I'll give you a head start before I roast you and the wallet."

"Hah! No way in hell would I—"

"Three quarters!" Elicia said, whacking Edward in the head with her weapon of choice.

"Shrimp!"

"Fathead!"

"Half-pint!"

"Old man!"

"Pipsqueak!"

"Jack—"

"ENOUGH!" Hawkeye snapped, pulling her favorite gun out of her coat pocket. All men stopped talking, Maes edging towards his wife for protection. "Edward, the gloves, now." He opened his mouth to argue and she thumbed off the safety. Gloves were hastily thrown in her direction, amidst a pouting scowl.

"Thank you Hawkeye, I knew I could count on you." Roy purred, smirking at Edward. He reached for his gloves, fully intent on doing a shrimp barbeque.

"His wallet and watch sir." She pulled the gloves out of his reach, turning the weapon instead on him. She cocked the trigger, meeting her commander's glare with one of her own. "Now sir."

Gulping, Roy threw the items onto the table, watching as they were snatched up by Hughes. "Good, now apologize to each other."

"WHAT?!" Ed and Roy looked at each other in shock. "Ain't happening!" Edward spat, eyeing Hawkeye as she placed her gun back in its pocket. "Never!"

Maes pulled out a dollar from the confiscated wallet and passed it to his daughter. She was so cute with her little bread stick…

"OI! That's my money!" Edward yelped, but didn't move to take the dollar back from the little girl. He really didn't want to see her cry.

"When you apologize you can have the items back, Edward, Roy. Not until then." Gracia said, and then shook her head. "It isn't' that hard. You don't even have to mean it."

Edward and Roy sat in stubborn silence, fuming. One hand if they had their stuff back they could leave, therefore not having to put up with the other any longer. On the other they would actually have to admit defeat first, and that was not in any game plan that they were willing to play by.

"I am not saying 'sorry' to that egotistical butthead." Elicia held up one finger opening her mouth to demand her quarter, but was stopped as Edward jammed another dollar into it. "Not when he put an exploding pie in my desk drawer!"

"That wasn't as bad as the words 'Kiss my ass'" another dollar was passed to the little girl, who was grinning happily. She always had so much pocket money after visiting her favorite uncles. "written on my forehead in permanent marker. I had a meeting today!"

"Then don't fall asleep during a prank war idiot! And I only did that because you took my wallet away! You do realize I had to clean the stupid cafeteria to pay for my lunch!"

"You put water in my seat! It looked like I pissed my pants for the better part of the day! And since I didn't have my gloves I couldn't fix it!"

"Then you shouldn't tell people I'm a girl!"

"Only if you keep your fat mouth shut around the secretaries! At this rate I'm never getting another date again!"

"Dry ice in the toilet!"

"My favorite fountain pen is leaking ink all over my paperwork!"

"The guards enforcing a damned height requirement at the gates! At your orders!"

"I—didn't do that." Roy said, losing steam.

"Like hell! I asked who the idiot was that decided to give them a ruler(!) to measure me by and your name came up! And who the hell else would mess with me that way?" Edward snarled, making hand motions toward Elicia, as she was holding up several fingers. Two dollars, one from each, made it into her hands.

"Edward, I've kept my eye on him since he entered the building." Hawkeye put in, her eyebrows furrowed in thought. How Colonel Mustang had time to pull pranks with Edward and didn't have time to do his paperwork frustrated her to no end. "He never issued that order, or was anywhere near the gatehouse today, or any time this week. It must have been someone else."

Now this brought both to a halt. If they hadn't started the prank war, then who did? Not many people were stupid enough to piss both the Flame alchemist and the Fullmetal alchemist off, and at the same time. It must have been someone in the office, as they had used Mustang's name.

"Not Fuery, he's too—" Edward mumbled first, not really talking to anyone.

"—puppish. Breda's too—" Roy supplied, adding his own ideas to the mix.

"—stupid. Fallman—" Edward made a motion that should not be made in front of little girls and forked over another five dollars.

"—too strict. " Roy said, cutting him off before he could say the words 'stick up his ass.' "Hawkeye—" both looked over at the women, paled and turned back to each other. "Then who…"

They fell silent, predatory grins blooming across their faces. Maes felt a bolt of fear as they looked over at him, and he made a quick denial. "No! Not me!" This seemed unnecessary as Edward leaned over Elicia's head to whisper into Roy's ear. Roy listened for a moment, and then nodded eagerly.

"Truce." They declared, shaking hands and then standing up. "Our stuff?" Ed said with an unpleasant gleam in his eyes. No one should be on the receiving end of both an Elric and Mustang revenge.

"What are you up to?" Hawkeye asked, but since they had settled their differences in their own way, she was forced to hand over the gloves as Hughes passed over Edward's wallet.

"Well, I did steal Fullmetal's wallet and I would like to make it up to him." Roy said, sighing as he placed his white flint gloves into his pockets. "So I'm going to take him out to that new place, J'J's right?" He turned to Edward as he pulled on his overcoat.

"Right, I heard they have good food. You're buying right?"

"Seeing as I said I'm taking you there, yes."

"No need to get defensive Colonel Bastard." Edward waved goodbye to the table as he and Mustang walked toward the door. "We taking your car?"

"Do you have one?"

"Hardy har." The rest of the conversation was lost to the onlookers as the pair left the restaurant, but a small alchemist did a little dance outside in anger at a comment from the brunette.

"Hey, isn't that were Havoc's taking his date?" Hughes mused, tapping on long finger on his chin as he looked over at the exasperated Lt.

"Yes, yes it is."

"Do you think we should warn him?"

"No, no we shouldn't."

...

"You know the plan?"

"Yes bastard, for the fiftieth time, yes!" Edward growled, taking off his red coat and folding it across the back of his chair. "You got your part down right?"

"Hmm, I think separate tables might be a good idea."

"Forget it; we were lucky enough to get this one. And you're out of sight from him if you don't attract attention to us." Edward rolled his shoulders, and then pulled his braid over his shoulder to glare at it. "Up or down you think?"

"Leave it, it makes you look younger." Roy said, taking a sip of his water as he scanned the restaurant. "There." He motioned, seeing that Havoc's back was too them but he could make out the girl's face easily. "She is quiet pretty. I don't think this is an adequate revenge if I would be inclined to do it anyway."

"We are blackmailing him, not stealing his date." Edward warned, glaring at the older man. It would be his luck that this…amateur ruined a perfectly good plan. "I wish Al were here." Al was much better at playing the distraction, even if he had to be forced to do so or duped.

"Yes, but since his off in Rush Valley, it looks like your left with me." Roy said, grinning as he thought of the cute little boy who had stumbled all over himself as he asked his older brother on dating advice. "I can't seem to remember the girl's name."

"Look, don't get distracted." Edward snapped, thinking about the same instance where Roy had intervened and helped them both out. Winry had been very appreciative of them impromptu date. Maybe he should take his advice more often…he was _not_ saying that aloud.

"I'm your waitress tonight!" An overly cheery voice broke the soon to be argument, thoughtlessly saving a few hundred dollars worth of damage. "My name is Sally, and if you need _anything_ at all, just let me know. What would you like to drink?" The little red head was practically bouncing up and down, her little red spikes flapping from side to side as she whipped her head around to attempt to look at the two of them at once. At 'anything' she had craned forward on her toes and jabbed her pen into the air, demonstrating how important her job was.

"Water." Both alchemists blurted, trying to keep their eyes of her. They would not laugh…it was mean and undignified and it would totally blow their cover. If she just didn't have those huge dangling pink earrings…they clashed horribly with her hair. Don't look…

"Okie dokie! I'll be back in a flash!" Twirling, she sprinted away, nearly taking out a busboy in the process.

Snickers erupted, and Edward had to do a deep breathing exercise that his teacher had instilled in him at an early age to regain focus. "Ok." This sent a fresh wave of snickers and it wasn't until they had bruised each other's shins with 'shut up' kicks did they finally calm down.

"Major Elric, good luck." Mustang cackled, giving the small blonde a wave. "Do not flatter in the face of ridicule!"

"Thank you o' Colonel Bastard! I shall try my hardest." Edward said wryly, leaving the table to weave through the dinning area. Ahead lay his target, so unaware of the danger that was stalking him. Such an innocent little lamb.

Pitching his voice high and into 'preteen' mode that had gotten him out of a lot of trouble in the past years, Edward threw his arms into the air and gave a loud, exasperated sigh of relief. "Dad! I've been looking _everywhere _for you!" He called, gaining the eyes of nearly everyone in the restaurant. Havoc's back stiffened, and the arm that had reached out to grasp the wine bottle chilling in the bucket at the table side stilled, and the hand made a helpless little clutching motion.

Striding forward, and glad that he had changed from his normal red and black to the jeans and red t-shirt that had been a gift from Gracia, Edward fell into the third, unused seat that lay between the couple.

The only regrets he had at this point being for the innocent, unaware girl that was staring at him. These did nothing to still his actions and were soon forgotten.

"E-Ed?" Jean Havoc mumbled, eyes wide with shock. "What are y-you doing here?"

"Me? Well, a few different things, but mostly seeing my old man." He turned to the girl, jamming a thumb in Havoc's direction. "He stuck me up for money and I need it back. Maybe a pretty face like yours can convince him to fork it over?" If Winry were here he'd have a wrench to the head. Mustang on the other hand, would be applauding his efforts.

"I didn't know you had a son…" The girl said, turning confused eyes on Havoc.

"I don't, it's just Ed here, he likes to play jokes…"

"Jokes you say? No, that would be much too _stupid_ and _painful_ for me to play _pranks_ on other people that way." Edward fluttered his eyes back in Havoc's direction, taking in the 'Oh shit, I'm going to die soon' look that he had adopted.

"Excuse me Holly, I need to talk to my co-worker for a moment." He said to his date, who glared at him in response. "I'm sure this is just another bid for attention."

Taking his arm, Havoc yanked Edward from the table to drag him from the dinning room into the bathroom hallway. "Look—I know what I did was really stupid but if you give me a chance to explain, after my date, I'll be happy to. Really!"

Edward placed a finger on his chin, looking the taller (damn you all!) blonde up and down as if testing his sincerity. After several moments, he grinned and said sweetly. "You shouldn't leave your dates alone Havoc, wild horses and all that might drag them away."

Havoc paled. The Colonel was here?! Why were they here?! Bolting back to the room, he noticed that a short, red haired chick was bending down to talk with Holly, placing a glass of deep red wine, almost rich purple, beside her. Tearing his way over to the table he had left, he caught the words "—just wanted to have me give this to you. No name, just stated someone as beautiful as you shouldn't be alone." The red head chirped, twirled around, and left in an explosion of his night.

Resisting the urge to scream, Havoc dropped back into his chair, eyes bugging and hyperventilating in short, sweet gasps. "Are you ok Jean?" Holly asked, leaning forward to study him, cup of wine forgotten.

"Yes." He croaked, wondering what the two alchemists had up there sleeves yet. "Yes, I'm fine."

"Are you sure? You're pale." Holly pressed, but was soon distracted by something behind him. She watched for a moment or two, and then giggled shamelessly.

"What?" He made to turn around but Holly shook her head.

"Don't!" She giggled. "It's just this really hot guy is waving at me. He's got a rose and—oh, he's got a date." She pouted with obvious disappointment.

The Colonel had arrived. Frantic, Havoc snatched up his white napkin and began to wave it under the table, giving his enemy the white flag. If they were behind him then they could see his surrender, but Holly might remain clueless yet.

Chuckling nervously, Havoc turned the conversation away from hot dates and more onto Holly's day. He was sure that if they left him alone, he was unwilling to play games with them, he would have to pay for it later.

...

In the end, Havoc had to pay for both his date and Roy and Edward's meal. He also had to spend the next week doing their paperwork that had fallen behind on that fateful day. And last but not least, he was their little gofer for the next month.

"If you hadn't surrendered so soon we could have let you of easier," Edward said happily, reaching across the coffee table to grab his drink. Havoc had spent the last week getting the drinks down to a science. Edward liked his a certain way from a certain café at a very specific temperature. Roy liked his from another café and in a much more complicated way. If he got it wrong, they made him get another, with his own money. They only paid for the first one. "We wanted to have our fun."

"Fun?! The only reason I started the prank war was to keep you two amused! If you were fighting with each other the Colonel wouldn't steal my date!"

"So, how was Holly?" Edward asked the older alchemist, who was reading over a report at his desk across the room from the pair.

"Eh, too talkative. She reminded me of that red-head at the restaurant."

"She drove Winry mad when I took her there. And she kept chirping at me because my _last_ date had been much better looking." His grin soured as he remembered the girl's insinuation. "I think Havoc earned another week for me being called gay in front of my girlfriend."

Mustang shrugged, picking up his coffee cup by feel. "Pop the question yet?"

Edward groaned, falling back in his seat as Havoc quickly left the room to avoid cross fire. "No, I can't for another month or so. Al already asked Paninya, so I have to wait to surprise Winry."

"Don't wait too long, she'll get pissed because she'll think you're not willing to commit." Mustang drawled, signing the paper before continuing onto another.

"I know, but right now she and Paninya are so focused on Paninya's wedding that I've become a second thought."

"I doubt it." Mustang kept himself entertained with jokes, and as Fullmetal fell into a depressed air, he knew one was needed. "I expect that bigger things have been on her mind as of late, letting the little things slip out."

The insinuation did not miss the target as he watched the anger and fire return to his youngest friend. "Who are you calling so small that he can't even entertain a thought much less occupy them?!!!"

A heated discussion started up, but Hawkeye didn't miss the unspoken words that occupied the office.


	4. Clearing the way

"Are you sure you want this done Fuehrer Andrews? The repercussions of these orders if they fail will be disastrous, and I've never heard of a fight that the Flame or Fullmetal alchemist has lost." Colonel Smith asked, looking over the paper work in his hands.

"Do you want the position or not Smith? There are no other openings available at this time, so I'll just have to open one up for you. Brigadier-General Pughes is looking for a promotion as well. I think he can handle it just as well as you can. However, I thought that someone as…smart as you will take this chance seriously." The new Fuehrer, an aging man of fifty who had recently been a Major-General before the farce with Fuehrer Bradley had been uncovered. The actually doing having been done by a newly promoted Roy Mustang did not bother the man a bit. In fact, it drove him to the point where it became necessary to take a few precautionary measures.

The staff that followed the Flame Alchemist were all too loyal to buy off or attempt to sway to his advantage. All of them were his little yes men. All, of course, but that one blonde alchemist. He would play into his hands with the right leverage.

"Anyone else that have exceeded their use?" The man in front of him was easy enough to play. A few tugs here, and he danced in accordance.

"Roy Mustang's staff is all too loyal and stubborn to be of any use to me." Shame, the First Lt. is a fine sharpshooter, and the rest of the staff had their various skills. None of which were worth the eventually bullet in the back of his head when Elric and Mustang took the dive.

The Colonel stood, snapped a salute, and was dismissed soon after, death's orders in hand.

…

"Everyone remain at their posts! That is a direct order!" The words were swallowed easily into the mass chaos, one event causing a tumbler of motion. As Andrews realized that his men were ignoring him for the ultimate instinct of survival, he felt a tremor of uncertainty.

Clearing his face and mind of emotion, he drew his gun. Aiming it at a faceless private, he pulled the trigger. The report of the gun cleared the office and the thud of the body insured that no one else moved. "Return to your posts immediately, or I will let the lapdogs have you as chew toys!" He snarled, pitting one fear against another.

An explosion of light and sound over took the windows, causing bursts of glass and fire to rain down on the personnel within the grand hall. A flash of blue light followed it closely, and the sharp retorts of gun fire announced the arrival of his targets.

Fuehrer James Andrews swore blackly, blistering the air. This was not how it was supposed to happen. That blasted General and his pack of mongrels should be dead! And that little upstart pup along with him! The take over had only taken him half of the available funds at his disposal, the council members that had been elected to choose the next leader of military and country easily bought. No one had suspected, no one had questioned.

Except for that infuriating shrimp! He had tried to buy the brat off, had promised him promotions and rewards. Everyone knew that he hated his commanding officer with a passion. Why then did he support him? Why remain loyal when the person with the power offered a chance to truly make the black haired man pay?

"Fuehrer! The Fullmetal Alchemist is at the gate! He threw this in the courtyard. He allowed us to retrieve it. The others have stopped. They look…expectant." His second in command, a fat useless blob named Vernon, burbled. In his hands he held a small crumbled ball of paper. "What is your response James? They know! What do we do? Oh God, I don't want to die!"

Ignoring the idiot, Andrews pulled the paper smooth, growing red as he read the scrawl of the Flame alchemist curling around the center of the page.

_You lose._

A small smiley face with its tongue out mocked him from beneath the two words.

How dare they?!

Grabbing his gun, a personal favorite that put any gun that trigger happy blonde had to shame, he stormed at the door. He could hear his attendants following behind him. The alchemists he kept on a tight leash scampered in front of him. Nothing against the Fullmetal pipsqueak if it came down to a fight, but Andrews wasn't planning on getting close enough to allow him the chance.

He cleared the doorway with evil intent. He would not lose his position of power to those two upstarts! They had served their purpose in clearing the way, but that Mustang had too much ambition to allow his life.

"You owe me twenty Havoc, I told you he'd be stupid enough to come out." The short alchemist drawled, leaning against the gates without a care in the world. "Oh, but look, he's got a gun. Wonder what he'll do with it?"

"Shut your mouth!" Andrews screamed, holding the high caliber weapon level with his head. "I hold all the cards, or have you forgotten?" Yes, pulling access to research and funds had shut the little loud mouth right up.

"In what game Andrews?" The Flame asked, looking just as bored. "Edward, if I ever go insane, please put me down. I do not want to go down in history as another power mad Fuehrer."

"Ha!" Showing his false bravado, Andrews lifted his free hand to wave it dismissively. "You're going to die a Major-General Mustang, why don't you just put away those little thoughts of grandeur and make this easy on yourself. I might even put you out of your misery before I start in on your staff."

"_My_ thoughts of grandeur?" Mustang questioned, but those black eyes iced over at the threat to his followers. The strings that jerked him around were easy enough to control. "I'll double that bet Fullmetal."

"Triple, and throw in no paperwork for a week." The blonde threw back, cracking his neck with a sharp jerk of his head. "I don't want to have to do anything for awhile."

"What the fuck do you think your babbling about?!" Andrews did not like being ignored. Did they not realize he had a gun pointed at their heads? That his own little army had them surrounded?

"Just a side bet, nothing to worry your insufficient brain about." Major Elric said, scratching at the side of his head thoughtfully. "He looks unstable don't he?"

"Very." Mustang said, blinking slowly. "First Lt. Hawkeye."

"Sir." The woman that followed him closely snapped a salute.

"It looks like I just made a very foolish bet. I take it that Fullmetal's paperwork is already waiting on my new desk?"

"Of course sir."

"ENOUGH!" Andrews had had it. No one respected him! Throwing the gun up, he gave a maniacal laugh. "You can do your paperwork in hell!" Before he could carry through on his threat, however, a clean clap and a flurry of blue and that was it for the late James Henry Andrews.

…

"So, what, that's three thousand and my paperwork for a week?"

"I really thought he'd hold out for another ten minutes." Newly appointed Fuehrer Roy Mustang shuffled his paperwork, interlaced with his subordinates, with a forlorn look. "I can't make someone else do them…"

"Sir, please do not make me commit treason within the first day of your new position." Hawkeye said blandly, though the corners of her eyes curled up slightly at her commander's agonized expression.

"The bet was that if he lost it in the first ten minutes you do the work Mustang. No getting out of it." Edward said, squirming in his customary spot on the new couch in the grand office. "I liked your old one better."

"Then you can drag it up here." Roy snapped, and then glared at the blonde. "I'm leader of a country Fullmetal! Can't I get a little bit of respect?"

"Your ego's big enough; I don't need you lording over everybody. Plus, if I did snap my salutes and call you 'Sir' I think you'll have a heart attack."

"Are you sure Andrews didn't get me? I feel like I'm in hell. Paperwork, you, and fangirls. You did lock the front gate, right Fullmetal? As I recall you were the last one in this morning."

"Err…I think I'll go get that couch now." Sprinting from the room, Edward Elric barely avoiding being first charbroiled and then trampled as he fled. About half of the oncoming horde split off and headed in his direction, screaming admiration and what sounded like bodily harm as he ran.

Inside his spacious office, Mustang shook his head as he eyed the door. "New security measures will be in affect soon?"

"Yes, Edward promised to fix the gate tomorrow."


	5. Lost

"I think we should stop and ask for directions Mustang."

"No! We are not lost!"

"Boss, I have to agree with the Chief on this one…we've been driving for hours. Are you sure that map is accurate?"

"Yes, we are. Just face facts Bastard. You. Are. Lost."

"It's a military map! It's accurate."

"Right. I'm sure. Havoc, can I have one of those?"

"No Chief, I'm out."

"Damn."

"Watch the language Fullmetal."

"We still lost Bastard?"

"We are not lost!"

"Do you know where we are?"

"Shut up Second Lieutenant."

"Erm…Colonel?"

"Yes Alphonse?"

"I have to go to the bathroom."

Groans of dissent filled the car, along with one irate colonel pounding the steering wheel in frustration.

"Ok, according to the map there should be a gas station around here somewhere…"

"Screw the map Bastard! It's useless! I can't understand while were still going by the damned thing!"

"Just because some of us are too _small minded_ to appreciate the _small_ things, doesn't mean where going to just go off half-cocked."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THEY'ED BE ABLE TO USE THE ROAD MAP AS A BLANKET AND GET LOST ON IT BASTARD?"

"No yelling in the car Fullmetal!"

"You started it!"

"I still have to go…"

"I think we should turn around Colonel. Find a phone and call Hawkeye. She might know how to get back to Central command."

"I am the commanding officer! I demand respect!"

"Good luck with that."

"Stop glaring at the kid and keep your eyes on the road! This is how we got lost!"

"No back seat driving Jean!"

"Then don't get lost Roy!"

"I'm not lost!"

Flashing lights in the rearview mirror caught and held the assembled males. A few seconds of silence prevailed as a mild panic attack overtook the group. This was soon broken as the shortest, and most volatile, passenger took his feelings out on the driver.

WHACK! "This is all your fault!"

"Striking a superior officer is against the rules Fullmetal."

"Superior idiot is more like it! You got us pulled over!"

"The officer's coming, she looks cute!"

"Lieutenant Havoc, I don't think now is a good time to be flirting. Brother, leave the Colonel alone, he's trying really hard not to get lost."

_Tap tap_.

"Keep quiet Fullmetal, I don't want to hear a word out of you."

"Sure thing bastard."

Clearing his throat and racking a hand through his hair, Roy Mustang fixed his most charming smirk onto his lips and lowered the window. "Yes miss? What seems to be the problem?"

"License and proof of insurance."

A little daunted by the fact that his charm hadn't won the woman over, he passed the aforementioned items.

"This is expired. You were going 10 miles over the posted limit. You are not wearing you seat belt, as are none of your passengers. You were practicing reckless driving. You ran the last three stop signs and one stop light. You were swerving violently." Pause, and the woman leaned into the window to study the front seat passenger. "And the child in the front seat is too short to be riding without proper restraints."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SMALLER THAN A BABY YOU SECOND RATE—"

"Please calm down sir. Or I will be forced to take you in for disorderly conduct, violence, and disturbing the peace."

"Ignore him, he's just had a stressful day. What's your name miss…?"

"Are you flirting with me sir?"  
Blind sighted, Roy stuttered for a few moments before trying again. "Not at all miss, I'm just trying to be polite to a beautiful young woman such as yourself."

"Please exit your vehicle with your hands in plain sight. I need to administer a breathalyzer."

"What?! Now, I'm sure we can work something out…"

"Are you resisting a police officer sir? And that can be constituted as sexual harassment."

"I'm not drunk! And I assure you…"

"Please lower your voice sir. And I will not ask you again; exit your vehicle slowly and with your hands in sight."

"You heard her bastard, out ya go!"

...Two hours later…

"You have five minutes."

"Thank you ma'am." Alphonse said, bowing to the scary lady with the gun.

_Riiiiiiiiiiinng. Riiiii—_ "Riza Hawkeye."

"Lt. Hawkeye?"

"Alphonse? What's wrong?"

"Colonel Mustang, Second Lt. Havoc, and Brother got arrested." The 14 year old said in a small voice. "I'm at the police station."

"What? What were the charges?"

"Colonel Mustang had a lot of traffic violations, and he got in trouble with the police lady for back talking. Lt. Havoc tried to flirt with her and got charged with sexual harassment, resisting arrest, and something I can't pronounce. Brother got called short a few times. He's charged with resisting arrest, disturbing the peace, disorderly conduct, assaulting an officer, vandalism, and breaking the police officer's night stick."

"Dear lord…"  
"And Brother's in trouble with a false license. They don't think he's 17…"

"Anything else?"

"No…not yet."

"I'll be there in a few minutes."

"And could you get Mr. Mustang a Central map? All he has is an East City one and we got lost…"


End file.
